I’m sad and I don’t know why

Maybe sad is the wrong word.

Last week, one of my clients said the same thing happens every winter: From December to February, he just wants to quit his job, not talk to anyone, and smoke weed by a campfire.

I feel that.

Not that I really want to do any of those things, but I do feel a twinge of sadness or dissatisfaction and I can’t pinpoint the source.

Yesterday, I called my best friend to tell him that and see what his thoughts were. But after ten minutes of just chatting and laughing, my state had completely changed.

I had energy. Things felt light again. What happened?

Aside from being a social creature who gets filled up by human conversation…I was reminded of an inconvenient truth.

Our states and conditions are constantly changing.

Happiness is an emotion. Just like rage or sadness. I don’t think we can genuinely “be” happy; I think we can feel happy. Being assumes it’s ongoing and everlasting.

This is why I don’t strive for happiness. My goal is fulfillment.

We can be fulfilled and still be sad, stressed, or uncomfortable. So during times like these—when it’s colder and darker than usual—I stick to my fulfillment system:

Every day, every week, I do the things I love and try to get better at them: Quality time with friends/family, coaching, chess, exercise, reading…

Yesterday, after work I wanted to:

• cancel a run with my buddy • skip the gym • watch YouTube and porn until midnight

I didn’t do any of that. Despite my mind telling me what was good for me, I stuck with what I knew: You won’t be happy to do these things, but you’ll be glad you DID them.

It’s true every time.

Likewise, when I choose not to do the things I know I regret after—watching porn, staying up on my phone, ordering $40 of DoorDash—I’m thankful 100% of the time.

How the hell do I conclude this blog?

Basically, I’m feeling grey at this point in time, and that’s okay. Nothing’s wrong. There’s nothing to fix.

I’m confident that if I just keep living with my values and doing the things I know make me a fulfilled person, the grey will subside.

Meow.