“Nice guys finish last” is bullshit.
There are annoying limits to someone being too nice or not assertive enough…but for the vast majority of people, if you are kind to me then I’m MUCH more likely to help you out.
Do girls like bad boys? Assholes?
With the girls I’ve known and have been with, most say yes…for a short while.
The general consensus is that being with a douche-bro is exciting and spontaneous for a bit. But then, after a week or even a few years, they realize it’s not sustainable.
How many shows or movies have you seen where the mom dates a sweater-wearing dud after divorcing her leather jacket-wearing wildcard?
I’m getting off track here. My goal is to champion the nice guys.
The trick: How can you be a respectful and loving human being without letting others walk all over you?
The solution: set boundaries.
Be it with your boss, strangers, even your best friends…you must project to others that YOU are in control of your time and energy.
Yesterday, I was catching up with a fellow entrepreneur friend. We talked about the prospect of me helping him rewrite content on his website.
When he offered to exchange yoga lessons for my writing, I had to set a “boundary” at the risk of hurting his feelings.
I said: “Thanks man. But at this point in time, yoga isn’t something I value enough to pay for, so I don’t think I’d be willing to exchange hard working hours. But the next time you do a free group session, I’d love to hop in.”
You know what he said?
“Word. I totally feel that man.”
And then we moved on…
Notice: I 1) thanked him for his offer, 2) explained my honest feeling toward his offer, 3) said no clearly (without actually saying the word no), and 4) offered something new moving forward.
This may seem like a benign example. But when I spoke those words, I could feel the adrenaline. Saying no. Setting boundaries. These are tough to do and they can create a strange amount of anxiety.
The sacrifice: Short term discomfort for long term wellbeing.
I risked hurting his feelings by telling him I didn’t value something he’s passionate about. But even if he was hurt (which he wasn’t at all), setting this boundary would prevent even greater damage to both our futures.
If I reluctantly said yes to his offer, I’d be doing work I normally love with a sense of resentment. I’d also probably see his yoga sessions as a chore more than something new and cool to learn.
None of this is fair to either of us. It’s dishonest.
People pleasing might seem like the respectful thing to do in the moment. But in the long run, it’s actually the least respectful thing you could do to someone.
Don’t be a nice guy or gal just to appear as one.
Be a nice guy or gal because it will bring you and others lasting happiness.
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